Are They Running Out of Material?

I love "Go Fug Yourself," and now that I'm taking some time off (more on that in another post), I check it religiously. Luckily these witty ladies are kind enough to post for me nearly every day. But my love affair with the wit is starting to wane. These bitches are starting to get harsh. Just check out Rihanna here.

clipped from gofugyourself.typepad.com

She's sleek, she's clean (for the opposite of clean, see Britney), and chic. Okay, so the distended colored tights cum leg warmers are a stretch (pun intended)--but they don't make my eyes bleed, even if they are a less than perfect attempt to be avant garde. Then there's Amber Tamblyn.

clipped from gofugyourself.typepad.com

Sisterhood of the Traveling Fugs

Amber Tamblyn, Halloween isn't for weeks yet! And while it's very flattering to see that you've decided to go as me circa the fifth grade, you've forgotten the Cabbage Patch Kid (named, if I can recall correctly, Aurora Borealis or something of that ilk), my practically endless supply of novelty pencils (most of which smelled like cinnamon) and whatever book I'd brought along to entertain me at whatever fancy boring grown-up event I was apparently attending (Harriet the Spy, probably). Thank goodness you've got time to address this!

Granted, the bodice on this dress is awkwardly fitted and the ankle tattoo clashes with whole "I'm an innocent, fresh actress/ingenue" look she's going for, but the color is beautiful and her make-up is tasteful. Not enough ugly there to warrant a tongue-lashing, n'est-ce pas? And wassup with the 5th grade thing? By the 5th grade I was over the cabbage patch kid thing and wouldn't be caught dead playing with dolls. Back in my day it was all about the hello kitty pencil boxes and garbage pail kids. So ladies, please stop trying too hard, and go back to mocking the famous for it. If you don't I'll have no way to feel better about myself.

The Name Game

No one invited me to do this because I'm a brand new blogger. My lonely e-life is so, so sad. But it seems kind of funny, so I'm going to do it anyway.

The Name Game

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Meemoon BMW 3 Series

2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Cookiedough Chocolate Chip
(Well at least we've got my skin color right on this one)

3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
S-COR
(In Living Color is going to make a comeback--I can feel it in my bones)

4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Red Japanese Chin

5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Al-Moujahid Casablanca
(I guess this is my name after the dramatic sex-change operation)

6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Corsa

7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
The Celadon Dirty Martini
(What would my powers be? Extra dry, never stirred acts of heroism?)

8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Vincent Yusuf
(I dunno...not to many Arabs in the Nascar circuit...just wait, my peoples' day will come)

9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Jasmine Almond Joy
(This one almost works...but I feel like I would have to look more "ethnic" to live up to the name.)

10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Joseph X
(My Mama ain't got no middle name--not customary to have one in North Africa, so I substituted X a la the Nation. Way to keep a low profile...I think it might be a bit to subversive for witness protection.)

11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Cassuto Chicago

12. SPY NAME/BOND GIRL: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Fall Orchid

13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Kumquat Kicks
(I love my Kicks...they're Adidas)

14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Egg Taco Elm
(If only Gwynneth were reading this.)

15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Karaoke Lightening Tour
(Thank You St. Louis!)
**********

Things My Neighborhood Has Taught Me...

That I had only seen in movies before. Mami and Papi are perfectly acceptable ways to refer to people you don't know, especially if you are Dominican. Also the appropriate response to a hello is "que lo que." And plantanos are fucking awesome.

Gotta Love the Ladies...

At the 125th St. Lane Bryant.
Saleswoman: Have you been to Lane Bryant before? We've got a great sale on.
Moi: Nope.
Saleswoman: Why not? We have a ton of cute stuff in stock.
Moi: Because I wasn't fat before.
Saleswoman: Snort. Cackle. Guffaw. (Makes an aside to another Saleswoman). Ooh girl, I know she didn't just say 'I wasn't fat before.' No she didn't!
(Aside: This is not some stupid honky interpretation of the way I believe African Americans speak, nor is it an attempt to mimic the authentic voices found in the masterpiece "Medea's Family Reunion." This is actually what she said.)

You know it's Ramalamadingdong when...

....a whiff of McDonald's is as appealing as the chance of dinner at Per Se. On that note, I totally freaked the other fatties at my Weight Watcher's meeting when I admitted that I'm fasting. Many comments along the lines of "A whole day? Without food? And no eating? And no snacks? And no water?" Yes, yes, yes, and yes. It's called self-control...you should try exercising it some time (or for that matter just exercise). That's right bitches, I can pour out this big glass of haterade because I'm a fattie too. I think I may have also scared some of the Jews. Don't worry my Semitic Sisters--my only Jihad is against cankles. Off to my two mile walk. It's sad that these days I'm panting more than my dog.

Hey, hey I've got the intellect of a mouth breather...

It amuses me that I am drinking a robust, acidic coffee out of a Pepcid mug. I'm a big dork.

Best. Subway. Graffitti. Yet.

Only if you're Muslim, that is. Riding the 1 this morning I notice something scrawled on one of the "You Must be in the First Three Cars to Get off at the South Ferry Stop" posters. I lean in for a closer look and am treated to the following:
Allah? Allah? Allah! Allah can save everybody. Word up.
Word up indeed my brother, word up indeed. Just call me Salome Shabazz.